Hi, I've stumbled across this site, which brought me to tears because of my struggle with depression and trying to do it on my own.
10 years ago I was diagnosed with major depression. I have 3 kids with autism and am married and I also have 3 typical kids. (all 6 children are now teens to age 20)
I started taking prozac 10 years ago and had made horrible mistakes while on it. I thought I became selfish because I kept wanting to run away from my life(literally). Once I was happy it was like I was afraid I would lose it from having the kids needs obviously consume me...etc. SO I started spending too much time with people outside my home and became a distant parent?an absent wife? I wasnt emotionally there for anyone and I was very consumed with wanting to stay happy. But I could see I was hurting my family, and better to hurt me than them.... so..after a bit of this I quit taking the meds.
back to depression of course....
then 5 years later, I started taking it again. Same result, only this time i took off and went 1000 miles away to stay with my parents. I allmost divorced my husband ( I always seem to blame him for everything) I came back home two days later, missing him and the kids, feeling and realizing they are my entire reason for being on earth....but this need to flee my family scared the heck out of me. So again, I quit taking the meds.
back to horrible depression....
here i am today. Can barely function. I cant stand every aspect of my life. I never go to church yet I was saved in 1991. I just never feel good enough, always to lazy to get my butt to church on sunday mornings as this is one day a week i dont realllly have to do anything liek get the kids out the door (this is how i feel on sun am's) I dont really do anything I used to care about, I can barely force myself to clean my home even.
needless to say, the only reason I around is out of obligation. Obligation to God and obligation to my family, but underneath that is the love for god and love for my family, or i simply wouldnt care, and wouldnt want to live.
I want TO WANT TO BE AROUND. I want to adore my family like I should. Dont get me wrong. I love them with my whole being. I treat them good too (sometimes not so good to the hubby, but always good to my kids) but its just the stress of it all makes me just want to run away. depressed or not. Every day is the worst...it is my love for them and God however that keeps me functioning, and ONLY that.
today I start prozac and counseling. Please please pray for me, and my family. I just want some joy and peace. And my poor husband, that he may be blessed with the wife he deserves. That my kids see their momma smile again.
thanks. God Bless you and thanks for having this site.
Dear Kimmie,
May God give you strength and help you to find real joy that you may live for Him. Also, that you will find a church that you look forward to attending. Depression, just zaps away your strength and desire and I pray that you will want to go to church, knowing that you will be fed emotionally.
Sometimes, I just drag myself to church, knowing that I am given strength and its like a shot in the arm to make it through the week. Sometimes, I've had to exit out the back early, because the tears start flowing and I don't want people to wonder what's wrong with me.
You need to live for God! He loves you so dearly. It's wonderful that you have a husband, children and parents. God has blessed you greatly. I pray that the medication and counseling will give you the boost you need to get back on the right path and feel real joy.
