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feeling quilty and embarrassed because of depression

Hello everyone...I have suffered depression most of my life and I am 54 years old. I was 32 years old when I began to understand what was wrong with me. And even then, I struggled with the diagnoises. I was prescribed medication and didn't like the way I was feeling with it, so I stopped taking it. My son was 4 years old at the time and was the only thing that made me feel happy. I was a stay at home mom and shortly after my husband lost his job due to company closing down, I went back to school to finish what I started when I was younger. It was a struggle with my depression but somehow I managed to earn my bachelors in Psychology. I kept my depression hidden from my family because I knew they expected so much from me. Shortly after I graduated with honors, and you would think I would have been elated...but no, I was not, I suffered a fall that would eventually require Spinal Fusion. All this time, I knew who God and Christ were...I even taught my son about the Lord, however, I never really had a relationship with Him. It took me almost two years to recouperate from the surgery, but the depression was worse then ever before. I don't know what was worse the pain of the surgery or the depression that followed. Nevertheless, since I graduated, I have not been able to work, due to not being able to stand for more than three hours or my back will begin to hurt. The other and I think the most obvious reason is the depression. I sleep all day in order not to face the world and I only get out on Sunday's to go to church and that is also a struggle. It has been six years since my surgery and graduation and I feel like such a failure. I have lost all of my confidence and I don't even know who I am any more. Please pray for me. I am currently on the lowest dose of antidepressants because I refuse to up my dosage due to the side effects I get. Bye.

Re: feeling quilty and embarrassed because of depression

Hi Carol,
I assume you have a relationship with the Lord now?
You have been through a lot. My heart goes out to you.

My husband got a back injury at work and he is now on dissibility too. He uses a pain patch for his back pain. It helps take the edge off.
None of us like taking pills and all the stuff that goes with it, but I am thankful my husband has something to help him. Carol, maybe you need to change
your medication. I had side affects too, but eventually they went away. Maybe you need to try something different. Don't give up, keep trying. Don't look at the medication as an enemy but as a friend.

Carol, you are not a failure. God just happens to have a different plan for your life than you do. What makes a Christian successful is not what they do for a living or how productive they are according to worldly standards, but what they are in their relationship to God.
God uses suffering to mold us and transform us into His image. We are only here for a short while and He uses the tool of suffering to prepare us for eternity. You are a child of God, that's who you are, and He will lead you and guide you if you let Him. Have confidence in Him, not yourself. Try to pray and try to read His word. I know you will have days that you can't, but even if you read a verse or two, it will help. Try to focus on Him and only Him. Even though we feel terrible in our depression and the pit is black, we still can choose to say as Job said...."yet though He slay me, I will trust Him".... (Job 13:15).

I will be praying for you. Please keep us posted on how you are doing.
love in Christ
laura

Re: feeling quilty and embarrassed because of depression

Dear Carol.
I can definitely relate to what you are going through.
I also have been going through depression for most of my life. I am now 52 years old. Before Christ, I medicated myself with drugs and alcohol. I started walking with the Lord 12 years ago and he has freed me from addiction, however, the depression remains. Just try to hold on to what you know is true, regardless of how you feel. God will use your depression for His glory. I know that in the past He has connected me with others who are going through what I have been through and have been able to comfort them.It is not in vain. I think it helps to know that there are others out there who truly understand. There is no need to ever be embarassed. Please do not give up on medication. I have tried many.Yes, it is true some have terrible side effects, there are others that don't
Don't give up.
I will be lifting you up in prayer.
In christ,
Liz