Hello all. I have been reading the most recent posts and have been encouraged by many of your responses. I wrote for the first time a few weeks ago. I am pregnant, off my medication, and suffering from deep depression and anxiety. I wake up throughout the night worrying about everything. I often wonder if deciding to start a family was a mistake. My husband and I prayed for a baby, asked it to be within the Lord's will and it happened right away. The way I feel now, if I can go back, knowing what I know (or feeling how I feel), I would not have asked God for a child. Is this crazy thinking? I am afraid I will always feel this way and not be able to bond or care for the baby. I feel like I am facing a prison sentence rather than gaining a blessing. I feel so ashamed to write those words but I wonder if God is laughing at us as if to say "be careful what you wish for...you just might get it". Would God have allowed this if it was not part of His will? I am so worried about finances and raising the baby right. I want the baby to be healthy and not like me (depressed/anxious). If it were safe for me to be on my meds right now, I would take them in a heartbeat but my doc. says that they can cause serious problems to the baby. He did, however tell me that at 36 weeks I can start a low dose of my medication to prepare my body for after delivery. He acknowledges my risk for post-partum depression and wants to put me on a high dose immediately following delivery. Will you please pray for me? I am also feeling a distance from the Lord, as if he is not here or won't help me. I can relate to how Amber is feeling. It is very scary to feel this way because without the Lord, I feel there is no hope. Can anyone assure me that once I start taking my medication again that I will feel better? Sorry for such a long message but I feel alone in all of this and I do find comfort in reading the messages posted on this board.
Sincerely trying to hang in there,
M.Mary

M. Mary,
I feel a little like a hypocrite for attempting to encourage someone else, when I myself am so stubborn when it comes to receiving comfort from others...but I do know that the LORD is sovereign, and if He has caused you to become pregnant, it IS His will. It is part of His plan. If you are feeling like this because you're off your medication, then it makes sense for you to be having these kinds of second thoughts. But children are always GIFTS from God. And in your heart you know that. He is GOOD. I have 4 kids. Most of the time (for several months now), I feel like I can't take care of them (because of my depression), but I'm not on any medication. (I have thought [until very recently] that it is just a problem with my FAITH, something I need to just "get over". But I've been doing research on depression, and seeing that I have all the symptoms--so I'm going to see a doctor! I believe my depression will get at least a little better once I find the right med.) But in the meantime, God has taken care of my children (and me). He always provides a way to get His will done. My oldest, Ashley, is 10--and she is SUCH a big help with the little ones. This is just ONE example of how God makes things work out. I've been depressed all my life, but I'm convinced that He made sure that it didn't get THIS bad until Ashley was old enough to help me while my husband is at work. GOD GIVES GRACE. He is gracious and merciful. His mercies are over all His works. He will take care of you and your family. The Lord will provide!
I also find comfort in reading all the messages on this board. It helps me to see that depression is something REAL, not just something I'm doing wrong. If your med. was working before, it should work when you start taking it again. Just remember that God is in control, and that He is GOOD. I know it feels like He isn't near, but just remember that He knows exactly how you feel, and He is using this pain in your life change you for the better. Romans 5:3 says that we should EXULT in our tribulations (!), knowing that tribulation brings about PERSEVERANCE. I don't know about you, but one of the WORST feelings for me is believing that I'm going through all this FOR NOTHING. But GOD SAYS that He makes EVERYTHING work together for GOOD, for those who love Him, to those who are called according to HIS purpose (ROM. 8:28). So He is teaching us and working perseverance in us--that's something we all need!! I WILL be praying for you.
~amber

Amber,
Thank you for your encouraging response and words. I do feel like I am going through this alone sometimes. It helps to get feedback from those with children. With my depression and anxiety, I don't know how I will take care of an infant. I have to get better. I was so sure that I wanted a child but being off of my medication seems to make me think irrationally. I have never met anyone that said they regretted having children. I hope this is true for me as well. I used to be envious of those who had children and now I am envious of those who don't. Everything feels so convoluted but I have to trust that God is in control and he will provide and comfort. Let us keep praying for each other.
Your sister in Christ,
M.Mary