Please realize that what you are going through is quite simply a chemical addiction to a highly addictive drug. You are not a bad person, you are not weak, you are not in any way different from any other human being. The reason doctors limit these types of drugs is because they are addictive - to everyone! Since this is a medical problem, it needs a medical solution. Your body needs to be cleansed of the drug, and supported while it rebalances itself. This is no different than if you had been poisoned by tainted food or a chemical spill in your environment.

Please don't blame yourself, you are not at fault. Do get the help you need, and don't be afraid of what others will think. Only those who are misguided and wrong will think less of you.

Thank you all SO much. What a total blessing it is to have you all. Your posts really helped to bring me out of this depressive state. I realize I do have a problem. I am addictive, and when reading my past post I realized that when I wrote "sometimes I take more than perscribed, sometimes I take less"...well that is a lie. I almost always take more, problally double what is perscribed and I find myself wanting to take more and more. I wake up in the morning and feel HORRIBLE, going all night without hydro, my body is screaming and when I take some (almost first thing in the moring now) I feel only "normal". I hate myself for doing this and I just feel like I can not but my family through this ordeal again. I had finally gotten off the pain killers and I been off for a month and I just felt like the depression was outrageous and I prayed constantally but I felt like I was drowding and the only time I could come up for air was when I took a pill. I feel trapped and I am SO scared of withdrawl, not so much the physical part, but the depressing. It is incredibal and it actually CHANGES me. It makes me into a horrbile mother, wife, and Christain. I have never felt so alone. But I know I am not. I know God loves me. I know he cares and I know all that because of you guys who have posted back to me and reminded me of his great love even when I do things that he does not want me to do.
So my plan is to try to wean down off the pain killers and use a little less each day. I am praying for streangth and for forgiveness. My question now is if you guys think I would go to hell or if the rapture were to happen would I not go up to heaven with all the other Christians. I am living in constant fear of being held down in sin, left behind, or dying in sin. Any thoughts on this would be SO greatly appriated.
I Love God so much, He is the reason I am even still alive and I am trying to make all this right with his help. Thank you all for your help, you can not imagine what it means to me.

If you have ever asked Jesus to forgive you of your sins and admitted that you were a sinner and that Jesus paid your sin debt with His life you are a Christian & I am absolutly positive that you can not loose your salvation. Once you belong to Him he writes your name down & He his ink never fades & pages don't fall out.
I am glad you know you are not alone and that you realize you are addicted please don't blame yourself & call your self a bad mother or anything like that you are a good person. Believe that!I am worried that you may be taking yourself off of medication with no support from family or friends close by. I know you probably don't want to hear this but as a friend I have to say I think you should see a doctor (your regular Dr. or a Psych Dr.) before you go much futher. When you start taking yourself off of these pain pills you are going to go into withdrawal & that will affect you moods and may make you very depressed however it could affect your physical health as well I am not a Dr. & don't know alot about the medications you speak of other than that they are addictive. However I have been in the hospital with people coming off of the same medication and they were in the hospital. I know that is probably as scary thought (always is for me) but you need to take care of yourself to be able to take care of your family.When you start getting off of this medication no matter how you do it (with or without a Dr.) you are going to proably go thru depression but try and remember that you are going thru withdrawal & that the depression you are feeling is from the withdrawal. You may have depression with out the pain meds but you may not. If you do have depression you should see a Dr. and get on the right kind of medication for the depression. Please don't blame yourself those medications are addictive & you did not began taking them to become addicted to them. It is not going to be easy but know that we care. I will try & check this board everyday. Look in your newspaper for a support group if you don't have any near by support and even if you do it can be good to be understood by those who really understand. Cut yourself some slack talk to your kids & tell them you may be grouchy (or weepy or whatever) but that you love them & care for them even if you feel you may not be showing it very much. You are in my prayers and my thoughts & I will pray for your children to. Please just lean on Jesus. Salvation is forever & God knows what you are going thru & He is hurting with you. Please at least think about seeing a doctor. I am afraid it might be dangerous for you to try to get off this stuff alone. I care & I am here.