I was just told by my mother I let my children run my life. Life the rest of you, I am so depressed. I feel numb most of the time. I suppose I do let them run my life cause I'm tired, and I can't handle anymore.

Just little background info. I'm 43 with 2 daughers, ages 20 and 12. I've been married for 25 yrs to the same man. My 20 yr old daughter has narcolepsy. She doesn't drive so I'm her taxi most of the time. I have this fear of her doing something stupid if I'm not here at her every demand because she did try to commit suicide 3 yrs ago. Just 2 weeks ago, over a party I was invited to and did not take her, because I didn't want her to come, I get tired of being a mommy all the time, she shouted at me, she hated my F** guts and walked out the door. she was gone for 2 days before calling to ask if she could come home, apologizing for what she said, but said she felt justified on how she felt. My 12 yr old shouted she hated me last night, she left also, but just went across the street. Each child thinks I "stick up" for the other one. Each child thinks I don't tell the other one when they are right or wrong. Neither will clean unless I get really angry and tell them to. I also work part time outside the home. Sad thing is, I can understand and sympathize with each of them on how they feel. But I'm stuck in the middle with nowhere to turn. I tried seeig a psychiatrist, but I can't afford that. My oncologist {I had breast cancer 5 yrs ago} gives me nerve pills, or I'd never sleep. I feel I'm always on edge when both girls are home cause I never know when they are going to start screaming at each other and expect me to pick "their side". My husband is a truck driver, he's gone at least 2 weeks at a time, so its like I"m really raising my children alone. My children are both selfish and bratty, and I have no one to blame but myself cause I love them both to much, if you think people can love to much. My mother got upset with me cause I didn't go to the graveyard with her today because I dont' know what time my daughter gets off work and I have to give her a ride home. I get so angry at all this, but I keep telling myself that it is my cross to bear. My mother says she can get a ride home from someone else. But I never know who will be nice enough to take her home from work. My family is not so forgiving for past mistakes with her, and they all hold a resentment toward her, and even moreso now since she told me she hated me. I just stay so tore up all the time cause I don't know what the right thing to do anymore is. I get up, go to work, come home, take a nerve pill, clean alittle till the nerve pill takes affect, take a nap, cook dinner, time for another nerve pill, go to bed, start the same the next day. I want to live again. I want to laugh and be carefree again, but I don't know how. I'm sorry this is so long, but I've only touched on part of it. There is so much more, I just found out I have high blood pressure. If anyone has any suggestions, any answers, I'd so appreciate it. I can't think anymore. The only way I seem to make it through the day is, I pray on my way to work of the mornings that Jesus sends me his peace, cause I have none. I pray that God gives me a good day. And a good day is a day without tears, which isn't today. Thanks for listening, and above all, please pray for me. I know deep inside God is the only way out of this, but I don't know what my part of it is.

Thanks
Pam

If you haven't tried it already...you could try counselling in addition to the nerve pills (antidepressants?) which help relieve some of the physical symptoms...whereas counselling will help you figure out what is beneath the physical symptoms, and what your part is.

I know counsellors can be expensive; where I'm from, some counsellors are covered under public mental health so the client doesn't have to pay...and are still a great help.

Counselling and a good doctor (who can up/change medications as needed...where I'm from, a family medical doctor, covered under public health so that the client doesn't have to pay, can prescribe antidepressants...so it is not always necessary to see a psychiatrist for medication help) are really helping me right now.

Initially, I don't want these supports, and am critical/don't think that they will help, but once I go and stick it out, they really help.

My situation was different from yours, but I know and have experienced the depression feelings that you have right now and I am so sorry you have to go through this incredible pain.

I am not a counsellor, so I can only offer to you what is helping me now.

I pray for God to put people in your life right now to encourage you and build you up to give you and direct you to a strong support base...and I pray that God would give you physical and then emotional strength and courage (divinely, through medications, etc.)to do what you need to do.