Dear Tom,
I'm glad the Lord lead you here. You should never feel guilty for taking meds. You wouldn't feel guilty if you had a physical disease, why should you feel any different with a mental disease. That is what clinical depression is, a mental, chemical imbalance. You don't have any control over it. There is nothing wrong with taking medications that can ease ones pain regardless if it's mental or physical. Thank God that He has provided us with certain drugs that can help. Don't see them as your enemy, see them as a friend.
It's not your fault you still suffer with this disease. God has ordained it because He has a purpose for it. All the faith in the world will never change God's eternal plans. Besides that, biblical faith is directed and centered on God, not things that we want. It is trusting Him no matter what He allows in our lives. Faith is believing that all things work together for good to those who love God....... (Rom 8:28) Faith is saying as Job did. "yet though He slay me, I will trust Him."
Of course you have anger towards God. Depression is a scary thing. You are confused and afraid. Those are all normal feelings with this disease but we can't go by our feelings. We must choose to honor and love Him even when we are in the darkest pit. Our feelings will scream in horror at times but that is when we must look up, with tears streaming down our face and say, God, I choose to praise you you even though I feel awful. He is worthy and that, my dear brother, is the most important thing we can learn in all of this. He is worthy of our love and praise.
I too have asked God to take me home but obviously I'm still here for a reason. God has you here for a reason too. I promise Tom you will grow. He may choose to heal you one day but if not, accept it as God's special plan for you.
I promise you He won't let you go. You may feel like you are going over the edge, but He won't let you fall. Your tears are not going unnoticed but use this time to trust Him. Be still and know that He is God.
Buy the book, "Trusting God" by Jerry Bridges. Another good book is, "Don't waste your Sorrows" by Paul Billheimer.
One day Tom, He will take you home but until then, we all must suffer to learn. Those who suffer the most, learn the most. It is not in vain and one day you will know the reason why but until then, accept your disease and begin trusting God to work it all out.
I could write more but this is long enough. I will be praying for you my dear brother.
laura
Thanks for your kind reply to my message. I realized that my initial message was pretty sad and pathetic when I read over it again. I feel a bit more reasonable now. That's the problem with being depressed and Bipolar. My moods change rapidly. It's exhausting to have my emotions go up and down so much. At times, it's too much to fight against. The things that you wrote make sense, but it's hard to think logically when my emotions feel so wrecked. I guess I have to try harder to fight the temptation to just give in to my negative emotions. Thanks for the book suggestions, I'll definitely look into it. Thanks for the encouraging words about choosing to trust God despite the pain and tears. I'm having a tough time trusting God, because I'm a distrustful person. I've encountered so many mean people in my life, who have caused me so much pain, that I've grown distrustful and I tend to keep people at arms length. The mistake that I make is projecting the meaness of people onto God. I make the incorrect assumption that since people are mean, then God must be that way too. I can't get it through my thick skull that God is allowing me to suffer for a good, kind, beneficial reason. I remember the pain that people have caused me through out my life. I remember that their motives in causing me pain were pure malice and hatefulness. So I'm having a very tough time accepting the idea that God is different; and He is allowing me to suffer for very different motives. The idea that God is actually being kind and gracious to me by allowing pain to touch me is hard for me to digest. Thanks for praying for me, I'll do the same for you.
