My sufferings are all going to waste. They will have absolutely no eternal value for me, because I won't accept my suffering from God with humility. Instead, I'm fighting it tooth and nail. I'm in full rebellion mode now. I'm being consumed by bitterness and resentment because of the pain that I feel. My pride will not break. I will not accept pain willingly. All of the potential eternal gain from my suffering is being wasted. So I'll just suffer through the remainder of my meaningless life. Then I'll suffer loss in heaven too, when Christ judges my life to be worthless at the Judgement Seat. I'm aware of my rebellious, counterproductive attitude; but I'm powerless to change it.
Tom,
Sometimes we let our illness and the way we feel distort the facts. The fact is, God loves you and He does have a plan for your life. His promises are true no matter what you are feeling.
You can not be the judge of what is of eternal value, that belongs to God. You think you know your heart but only God does. You see your rebellion and maybe He sees a heart full of pain and confusion. Don't be so hard on yourself.
The other day, it was a very dark and scary time for me. I was so depressed. I was crying and sobbing all day. I thought I was going in sane because my mind does funny things when I go through a bout with depression. I just couldn't believe God really loved me to allow this horrible thing to happen. But then,I decided to say, "God, no matter what, you are worthy of all glory, honor and praise". I didn't feel like saying it, matter of fact, my flesh was screaming the opposite but I still chose to say it. We think we are powerless but we aren't. "Greater is He that is in us than He that is in the world."
In our illness, our feelings are so deceiving.
Tom, Christ suffered depression too, in the Garden, where His sweat were as drops of blood. He knows your pain. He has been there too.
Just try to say, Lord, I don't understand any of this but no matter what, you are worthy of praise. That is the most important thing we can learn in our suffering. Don't let your feelings stop you from doing that. Even if you feel bitterness and resentment, say it anyway. Eventually, it will become a habit.
Your life is not meaningless. It is precious in His sight and He will accomplish His perfect plan.
Remember to buy the book "Trusting God" by Jerry Bridges" and "Don't Waste Your Sorrows" They were lifesavers for me in understanding the ways of God and how our suffering was all a part of a great plan.
Praying for you,
laura
