Tom,
If the medication was helping, then you need to go back on it. I used to think a lot of things too before I got clinical depression. I am no longer ashamed of it.
I thank God for the medication we have access to. Mental illness is so misunderstood.
There is a book called, "Seeing In The Dark" and it is written by 2 Christian men. One is a Pastor who suffers with depression and the other is a medical Dr whose wife suffers from the same disease. The Dr confronts all of the myths on Depression. He also advocates medication and said his wife would have never made it without them. It's a very encouraging book written by Christian leaders who are not afraid to address the issue of mental illness and Christians.
They not only talk about brain chemistry and things like that but they also give you biblical insights and strategies for combating the disease.
Please, if your meds helped, then go back on them. Once you do, you will feel better about yourself and your life. That's not to say you won't have dark days but you need to have more good days than bad.
I am praying for you Tom.
Life is hard, I know, but hang in there. We are all in this together and we are going to make it, by His grace.
laura