Dear Carol.
I can definitely relate to what you are going through.
I also have been going through depression for most of my life. I am now 52 years old. Before Christ, I medicated myself with drugs and alcohol. I started walking with the Lord 12 years ago and he has freed me from addiction, however, the depression remains. Just try to hold on to what you know is true, regardless of how you feel. God will use your depression for His glory. I know that in the past He has connected me with others who are going through what I have been through and have been able to comfort them.It is not in vain. I think it helps to know that there are others out there who truly understand. There is no need to ever be embarassed. Please do not give up on medication. I have tried many.Yes, it is true some have terrible side effects, there are others that don't
Don't give up.
I will be lifting you up in prayer.
In christ,
Liz