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I wish it was over

I can't take it anymore. The pain hurts too much and lasts too long. Let me out of here now.

Re: I wish it was over

Tom,
I hear you and I am praying for you. I am sorry that you are in such darkness. I know how scary that can be. All I can say is, God knows what He is doing.
One day it will be over but not until He says. Don't give up HOPE. Hope is your raft in a raging storm. Sometimes it's all we have to cling to.
Are you on any medications now?? I thought the last time we talked you were going to try some.
In Christ.
laura

Re: Re: I wish it was over

Hi Laura,

Thanks for your kind words and prayers. I'm feeling a bit better today. My mood is very erratic, going up and down very quickly. I was in a down cycle when I wrote that blurb the other day.

I am back on medication now, but they say that it can take several weeks to work; and that it can actually make you feel worse before you feel better.

I take Wellbutrin and Depakote for depression and mood-stabilization. I take Ativan for anxiety. I had to stop taking the anti-depressant Remeron because of a terrible side effect.

Remeron is notorious for causing weight gain. I would take the Remeron pill, and within an hour I would have an overwhelming craving for sugary foods. I can't afford to put on any more weight. I'm not obese, but I'm definitely overweight; and I don't want to end up obese.

I cope with my depression by eating too much, and it's so hard to motivate myself to exercise. So I'm putting on pounds and feeling worse about myself, which makes me want to eat more. I don't know how to break that cycle.

It's a form of idolatry, depending on food to make me feel better, instead of depending on the Lord. So then I feel like a failure as a Christian.

Thanks for listening,

Tom

Re: Re: Re: I wish it was over

Hi Tom.
I'm glad to hear you are back on medication. Yeah, the side affects can be murder. Fortunately Zoloft doesn't cause weight gain so I am happy about that. It does cause insomnia though and other weird things but all in all, it keeps the depression at bay.

Tom don't be too hard on yourself. We all cope the best we know how. Having a mental illness is really hard. It's like being in a dark hole sometimes and even though in the depth of our being, we trust the Lord, we still have to cope with, and battle with, our flesh. Sometimes it takes all of our strength and energy just to get through the day let alone try to fight problems of over eating and lack of exercise. I am not trying to make excuses. We should always keep fighting but sometimes we are just too weak to do anything.
My main goal in having a mental illness is simply to praise and thank God no matter how badly I feel or how badly I mess up. God knows my heart and when I mess up, I just thank Him for dying on the cross for ALL my sins, past, present and future.
Keep fighting but when you mess up, learn to rest in Him. He paid the price. You will make it to heaven not on any of your merits but simply by His shed blood.
Just let His grace pick you up and move on rejoicing in Him.
By grace alone
laura