Hi, it's me again. Will someone please encourage me? I feel so alone. No one will help me. Everyone at church and my husband ignore me, and treat me like my problem is no big deal (either like it doesn't exist, or like I'm just being selfish and immature). I am scared for my children because I can't take care of them during the day while my husband is at work. I can't find a way to deal with this. I read my Bible every day (with only a few exceptions), but it doesn't help--it makes me feel worse! Because I feel like I don't belong to Him and His wonderful promises aren't for me. I feel like God doesn't love me and has abandoned me. I feel crazy. And if I'm crazy, how can I know I ever really had a relationship with Him? What if what I thought was real was just my imagination? I know I'm supposed to believe His word, not my feelings, but I just can't anymore. Sometimes I "get a grip" on reality, and I believe His word more, but it soon slips away. I just don't have enough strength or faith to hold on to Jesus. I am trying to just accept the fact that my desire to have an intimate relationship with Him and to walk closely with Him probably just isn't going to happen while I'm here on the earth. And I'm scared that I will be far away from Him even in heaven, because I'm not faithful to Him here. I'm scared I'll never be near Him! When I think about that, it makes me scream in terror and agony and all I can think of is killing myself (which is one reason I stay in my room all day--I can't let my children see me like this!!). I don't have one friend in the world! No one to talk to! I don't understand why He won't help me believe He loves me. All I want is to be near Him!

Amber Dear,
People ignore you because they don't understand depression. They think it's something we can, "get over" but we can't. It's a chemical imbalance. It is a mental disease that causes us to suffer alone.
You didn't say if you were on any kind of medication, are you? Have you gone to see a Dr?
Don't worry about your Christianity right now, God is big enough to keep you. He will never let you go. It's not you, that keeps the relationship, it's Him. You don't have to have the strength right now, give everything to Him.
Honey, I don't know why God allows us to go through all of this. But I do know He has a purpose.
Sometimes He brings us to the end of the cliff and all we feel is terror but I promise you, He will never let you go (Isa 43:2)
If you haven't gone to see the Dr, please go. They have some great medications out there that work really well for depression.
Please keep me posted
Praying for you dear one
laura

Dear Amber;
I am praying that God will give you peace in this trial. I understand how difficult it is when we don't "feel" His presence. But feelings are deceptive. We have to hold on to what we know is true. God's promises are true, even if we don't feel that they are for us. He understands what we go through. He made us. I have had depression all of my life. I know He can heal us if he chooses to. I know that I have to accept that He may not and that His grace is sufficient, but it is very difficult.
It helps me when I am going through a depression to remember that this is just a season. It will not go on forever. Are you taking any antidepressants. If you have chemical depression it can help tremendously.
I encourage you to talk to you dr. if you haven't already. I will be praying for you.
Psalm 34:18
"The lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit".
Love Liz

Thank you both (Laura & Liz) so much for responding. I know I should not trust my feelings. This is just so hard. Each "episode" of depression is worse than the last. No, I am not on any medication. I don't have a regular doctor. I am trying to find a psychiatrist or whatever. I want the person to be a [true] Christian. If I can't find a Christian doctor, there's no point in going, because there is nothing that I'd be able to say that doesn't have something to do with God (the TRUE God). And if the person's not a believer, he/she will think I'm even crazier than I actually am!!! I found a place that I think I will try, after I get some insurance things straightened out (which seems like it's going to take "forever"). My husband is passive about everything and won't help me or encourage me.
Thank you again, both of you. I'm printing out both of your responses and looking at them throughout the day. Sorry if that seems weird!! But it's like I have friends here with me.
I thank God for you!
Love, Amber

Amber,
I hope you find a Christian physician but most Dr's realize that clinical depression is a real chemical imbalance. They don't think you're crazy. Matter of fact, many Dr's today are on anti depressants themselves. Years ago it was misunderstood but not so today.
If for some reason you can't find a Christian MD than don't think you can't go to an unsaved Dr. God uses all circumstances and all situations to accomplish His will.
My Dr isn't saved but she has blessed my life with her knowledge and compassion. I am even looking for opportunities to witness to her but that hasn't come yet.
I don't know what I would have done without the medication. You will feel a lot better too once you find the right combination that works well with your mind and body.
Keep us posted dear
laura

Yeah, I guess you're right about the doctor thing. I guess I just wanted someone who would be able to encourage me IN THE LORD, since I don't have anyone else to talk to right now. But now I have you guys (I mean girls!). Today my mom called and made it clear that she's not pleased with me and my depression. Now everyone is officially fed up with me. Just because I'm too tired to be like this all the time: . I know I keep talking about what others think...and I shouldn't worry about that--it's just that I've never been this lonely before! And I feel so far from God. He's the one I need. If I could just believe that HE is near me, I could handle everyone else abandoning me. Well, enough feeling sorry for myself....Sorry.
I'm just so desperately lonely.