Hey Tom - Reading your post sounds like it could have been mine - For many, many years I didn't understand why I felt so hopeless and lousy all the time - I felt that God had played a cruel trick on me - that maybe a "piece of the puzzle" was missing - that he had made a mistake when he created me. I longed for peace and a release from the constant anguish and torment I lived in. In fact the pain was so real it felt like a knife was permanently stuck in my heart. Finally, by the grace of God, I went to see a Christian counsellor, and God used this woman to help me gain many insights into deeply buried issues. I also started taking medication daily and have continued to do so for the past 10 or so years. I still struggle with hopeless feelings sometimes, but the constant pain has gone.
Maybe one of the biggest things I realized as I came out of that deep depression, is that I can have hope -
and that hopeless, dead end feeling is a trick of the devil. I will pray for you and encourage you to seek assistance.

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It's just one day after another of living in an earthly hell. If I wasn't afraid of going to eternal hell, I would commit suicide today to end my misery. God doesn't love me, and I don't love Him either. Completing some wishy-washy cosmic plan of His is more important to Him than taking away my pain and suffering. Well if that's how it is, then I want nothing more to do with Him. I don't want to be with Him in heaven when I die; I want to cease to exist and live nowhere when I die. God is just a big bully and a coward who pushes us around with His omnipotent power. He is contemptable. Over and out for good.